Friday, June 07, 2002

 

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
(sent-June 4, 2002)



[English phrase] ------ [Chinese Interpretation]

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

posted by Anonymous 7:03 AM

 

Small Talk
At a bar, a guy tries to start a conversation with an attractive woman sitting beside him:
- I guess I've seen you somewhere else - he risked.
- Probably - the beauty replied -, I'm a receptionist at a mental illness clinic!

Modern Couple
She (pouting):
- You don't like me anymore!
He (not moving his eyes off the paper):
- Cut it off, honey! I guess you're just a little depressed. Why don't you go to the mall and buy yourself something new? I'm sure you'd feel better!
She (with all her stubborness):
- No, I don't want to buy anything! I already have evrything!
He (tunring the newspaper page):
- Do you want me to change your car?
She (with a whining voice):
- No! My new Mercedes hasn't run 10 thousand miles yet!
He (after a brief reflexion):
- Why don't you spend a few days in Europe?
She (serious):
- Again? I can't stand those people anymore!
He (losing his patience):
- What do you want, then?
She (trying out a smile):
- Divorce!
He (disappointed):
- I wasn't planning on spending that much money!

Speeding
A wife and a husband in a car at 50mph.
Wife - Honey, I'm having an affair.
Husband speeds up to 60mph.
Wife - I'm having an affair with your best friend.
Husband speeds up to 70mph.
Wife - I want a divorce.
Husband speeds up to 80mph.
Wife - And I want the kids to stay with me.
Husband speeds up to 90mph.
Wife - ANd I want half of all you have.
Husband speeds up to 100mph.
Wife - And you? DOn't you want anything?
Husband finally reaches 110mph.
Husband - I already have everything I want - I have airbag, you don't.
What's the diference betwen Frankstein's monster and Robocop?

- The former was operated in a public hospital and the latter in a private one


AT A FUNERAL
A guy to another one who had his mouth sown.
-Were they related to you?
-My wife and my mother-in-law.
-Did they die together?
-Yes... poor old lady... she was so rich. She died and left all she had to her daughter.
-But her daughter was the one who died. Right?
-Yeah, poor woman, an only child, ex-future rich... dead.
-Accident?
-Car crash. - The widower added.
-Were you in the car too?
-Nope.
-So why's your mouth all sown?
-It's the only way to prevent me from laughing.
MOTHER-IN-LAW
-Man, my mother-in-law has sure fallen down from above in my life!
-What do you mean? Is she good to you?
-No, man, her broom just broke!
WHITE HAIR
One day, a girl walk up to her mother and look at her mother's hair. She studied it for a moment and then sadly said: "Mom, why is it that some of you r hair is white?
The mother replied, "Well, everytime you do something wrongand make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair tunrs white,
The girl thought for a moment and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



PASTOR'S SON...

A pastor's son just became 18. He got his driver's license and asked his dad a car.

His dad offered him a trade:
-Let's make a deal: you finish high school with good grades, come to help me at our church worship services, and have this crazy hair of yours neatly cut. Then you'll have your car, allright?

Two months later, the son had passed all school subjects with straight A's. He went back to his dad who told him:
-Son, I'm proud of you. You're done with high school and on to a good college, you've been helping me at church... the only thing it's missing is having your riduculous hair cut!...

The guy answered:
-Ya know, dad, I've been thinking about it... Samson had long hair, Abraham did too. So did Noah, and even Christ had long hair ...

Dad replied:
-Right! But they all travelled on foot ! ! !


A WIFE AND A HOUSE MAID

The wife, in tears, to her house maid:
-Oh, Maria, I think my husband is cheating me with his secretary!
-I can't believe it!!! You've gotta be telling this just to make me jealous!!!



A NASTY RESTAURANT

A guy, in one of those nasty off-the-road restaurants, calls the waiter and complains:

-My chicken is rare! I ordered it well-done!
-Sir, how can you possibly know it's rare if you haven't even tasted it?
-Well, it just ate all of my salad!

posted by Anonymous 7:01 AM

 

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A few answers:


ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: Because he wanted to get to the other side.
CHILD: Because he did.
POLLYANNA: Because he was happy.

PLATO: Because he was seeking the Good.

ARISTOTLE: Crossing roads is inherent to the chicken's nature.

MARX: The current stage of the productive forces demanded a new class of chickens, those who would cross roads.
ALMIR KLINK: To go where no chicken had ever gone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I had a dream. I saw a world in which chicken will be free to cross roads without being questioned concerning their motivations to do it.
MAQUIAVEL: To whom is "why" important? Since the ends of crossing the road has been determined, it's irrelevant discussing the means he used to accomplish that.
FREUD: The fact that you are worried about the chicken crossing the road is a sign of your sexual insecurity.
Or yet:
In the eternal pursue of solving his sexuality issue and becoming a self-confident adult, The chicken was trying to find his father, the rooster, on the other side of the road, somewhere, in a meditative and spiritually elevated state, and not like he used to be: among the female chickens.

DARWIN: Throughout great periods of time, chikens have been naturally selected, so that, now, they have a genetical predisposition to road-crossing.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved under the chicken, it all depends on the point of view. Everything is relative.

HEMINGWAY: "To die. Alone. In the rain."
FHC(BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT): (It does not matter why he crossed the road. What matters is that with the Real Plan, the people is eating more chicken.)Por que ele atravessou a estrada, não vem ao caso. O importante é que, com o Plano Real, o povo está comendo mais frango.

PDT(an oposition party): To protest against the loses in the international market promoted by this neoliberal government who wants to give our country away to the foreigners, and to support the resignment of FHC! Now! Out with FHC!
GEORGE ORWELL: To run away from the pigs dictatorship.
SARTRE: It's a mere matter of fact. The existence of the chicken lies in his freedom of crossing the road.

POT-SMOKER: It was a trip...

PINOCHET: El se fué, pero tengo muchos penachos de el en mi mano!

FEMINISTS: To humiliate the female chickens, in an exhibicionist attitude, tipical of a chauvinist, even trying to convince her that, as a female, she'll never be able to cross a road.

NIETZSCHE: He wants to overcome his chicken-situation, and became a super-chicken.

CHE GUEVARA: Hay que cruzar la carretera, pero sin jamás perder la ternura...

BLAISE PASCAL: Who knows? The heart of a chicken has reasons that are unknown even to the reason itself.
SOCRATES: All I know is that I know nothing.
PARMENIDES: The chicken did not cross the road 'cause he could not move. There is no movement.

CAETANO VELOSO(poet and singer from Bahia, famous for being prolix): The chicken is bitter, is beatiful, it's something, like, bitter. He crossed, crosses and will cross the road because Narcisus, Ano's son, wanted to eat him... or not!
DORIVAL CAYMMI (a composer from Bahia- famous for being lazy): I guess(pause)... - Amália, hon, go check where this chicken is going for me, my girl, 'cause this man is here asking about it...

CARLA PEREZ (a dancer from Bahia- famous for being... not very intelligent): Because he wanted to be with his fellow mammals....

posted by Anonymous 6:59 AM

 

...MEN ARE LIKE:

1. Bank accounts - not a lot of money, no advantages at all.
2. Mixer - you need one, but you aren't really sure why.
3. Coffee - The best ones are hot and can keep you up all night long.
4. Television commercials - you can never believe a word they say.
5. Computers - extremely dificult to understand and with not enough memory.
6. Refrigerators - Fill them with beer and you'll take them anywhere.
7. Copy machines - useful for reproducing, only.
8. Governamental affairs - take too long to get to maturity
9. Horoscope - they always tell you what you should do and are frequentely wrong.
10. Lawn machines - if you're not pushing, you're driving one.
11. Maskara - they normally disappear at the first sign of emotion.
12. Mini-skirts - if you're not careful they'll go up your legs.
13. Parking spots- the best ones are not avaiable anymore.
14. Snow Storms - you never know when they'll come and how devastating they'll be.

posted by Anonymous 6:57 AM

 

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

The English Language
SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH? This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure.
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
Dr. Carl W. Bogue, Pastor
Faith Presbyterian Church (PCA)
Akron, Ohio
*Spell Potato*

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

posted by Anonymous 6:56 AM

 

MOM’S BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven, preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove Teddy bear from oven again and tell Jr, “No, no!”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp vanilla, and 1 ½ cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line that the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp salt, ½ cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
(Resist temptation to beat Jr.)
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Trhow cat outside while there’s still time, and he’s still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in sasucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
¼ cup margarine
Take darn teddy bear away from the @#$% oven and trhow it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in play pen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer the door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Collapse.

posted by Anonymous 6:22 AM

Thursday, June 06, 2002

 

(SENT - June, 10, 2002)
(A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.)

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?” “I’m 4 and a half.”
You’re never 36 and a half, but you’re 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number.
“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.”
You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony – you BECOME 21. YES!!!
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here??? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40... stay over there, it’s all slipping away...
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50... my dreamsare gone...
You BECOME 21, you TURN30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! Ididn’t think I’d make it!
You BECOME 21, you TURN30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you’ve built up so much speed the you HIT 70!
After that, is a day by day thing, you HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80’s, you HIT lunch. I mean, my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas! “Well, it’s na investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”
And it doesn’t end there... Into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92.
Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!!
Age is a funny thing

posted by Anonymous 8:55 PM

 

Blonde Collection
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa_versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five_dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? " The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E_mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
oo*"^"*ooo*"^"*ooo*"^"*ooo*"^"*ooo*"^"*oo
Blondes (not my daughters)
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking her if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: “Can’t you see I’m winning?”
******************************************************
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said “These look like deer tracks,” and the other one said, “No, they look like moose tracks.” They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
******************************************************
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
******************************************************
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up...you’re next!”
******************************************************
The blonde that got an AM radio? Took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
“Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain_link fence? To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why can't a blonde make cool_aid? Because she can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in that little bitty package.


A blonde was on her way to Disneyland when she came to a sign that said Disneyland left...
So, she went home.

Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice carton?
It said concentrate.
******************************************************
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay_over in another city.
Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day`s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn`t get out of her room.
"You can`t get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
The stewardess replied:
"There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb.’"
****************************************************
On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, “Mame, I’m afraid you’ll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket.”
The lady responded, “Listen, I’m a beautiful blonde, I’m going to NY, and I’m sitting in first class.”
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer _ who came and said, “Mame, I’m afraid you’ll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket.”
To which she replied, “Listen, sir, I’m a beautiful blonde, I’m going to NY, and I’m sitting in first class.”
After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a beautiful blonde.” So _ the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.
Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain _ “I don’t get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach.”
To which the Captain said, “Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn’t going to NY!”
******************************
Subject: Blondes Revenge
Well, the blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes. Here’s their revenge :
1. What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.
2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown_bagging it.
3. What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.
4. Why are there so many blonde jokes one_liners ? So brunettes can remember them.
5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.
6. What’s a brunette’s mating call? “Has the blonde left yet?”
7. Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.
8. Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
9. What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.
10. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage.
11. Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher_Price.
12. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache
******************************************************
An Ice Fishing Blonde...
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky___a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured from a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “ Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “NO! THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

Why do Blondes have “TGIF” written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why shouldn’t Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

How does a Blonde change a light bulb?
She holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
******************************************************
Three Blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Blonde said “those are deer tracks.” The second Blonde said “No, those are elk tracks.” The third Blonde said “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.” The Blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
******************************************************
What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
“Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.”

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why can’t Blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their
car at a drive_in movie theater? They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Why won’t they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Blonde and the Motor Home
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel_off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
******************************************************
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied," There certainly is!" (are you ready?)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
******************************************************
Blonde Kidnapper
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7am. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Subject: Thermos
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk,
“What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “I’ll take it!”
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.
Her blonde boss sees her and asks, “What is that shiny object you have?”
She said, “It’s a thermos.”
The boss then says, “What does it do?”
She replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”
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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal_Mart, now you can follow me over to K_Mart"
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More with de blondes!
She was soooooooo blonde that:
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
she thought General Motors was in the army.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
she tried to drown a fish.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she got stabbed in a shoot_out.
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK.'
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
it takes two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
she studied for a blood test_and failed.
she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
she sold the car for gas money!
when she saw the "NC_17 under 17 not admitted," she went home and got 16 friends.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
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A man approached a blonde in a bar -- asking her if she would like to hear a "blonde" joke.
She answered, "Before you begin -- I want you to know that I am the women's kick-boxer champion. And my blonde friend next to me is the world's women's wrestling champion. And next to her, our blonde friend -- the world's women's black belt champion. Now, do you really want to tell me this "blonde" joke."
The man thought a moment and answered, "Thanks, No, I really don't have time to explain it three times."
The Blondes: They never end, do they ?
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde Behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his Flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were he first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was," If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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The blonde reported for her university final examination which Consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet_Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last 20 few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering, sweating and erasing. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me? The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No .... I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says: "What's the story?" He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of Blonde Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. She doesn't seem to be breathing, her eyes are rolled back in her head. The other gal whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The girl’’s voice comes back on the line. She says, "OK, now what?" ********************************
FINALLY! Our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait! An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

posted by Anonymous 8:29 PM